Of birthdays, car problems, and Blessings from God

A couple of weeks ago was my birthday. I turned 36.

I'm fine with it now, but late the night before that momentous occasion found me crying my eyes out in bed, realizing for the first time I was on the down side of my 30's (or, as my sister oh-so-helpfully pointed out, in a new age bracket on forms.) **sniff, sniff**

As I was reminiscing and reflecting on things, this melancholy washed over me, making me feel as though life had picked up speed, and I was sort of left spinning in the tailwinds of all the rest of the cars zipping past on this freeway of life. My 20's sure didn't feel like they went by as fast as my 30's.

Before this birthday, I was content to move forward, even if I was the 'cruise-control-set-on-55' driver that everyone else hurried to get past.

For the most part, I've been content with my lot in life, too busy to care whether or not other people were racing past. I just pointed my car in the right direction, and began carefully picking my way towards my destination, sometimes stopping to help folks along the way. Rather like a tow-truck.

But for some unknown reason, turning 36 caused me to start looking around at those other cars, and thinking that perhaps my make and model of car weren't quite good enough.

Then I began comparing myself to all the others and feeling that I needed more than I had.

Suddenly my cars weren't new enough, my house wasn't nice enough, and our income wasn't large enough. I believe this is referred to in Scripture as coveting, with a dash of envy. A discontent with what I have, and a desire to have those things that others have.

Like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden (when their eyes were opened to their nakedness and they suddenly were ashamed and wanted to cover themselves), my eyes were 'opened' to my 'sorry lot in life', and I was suddenly beginning to feel disappointed with the way things have turned out for us financially.

Out of nowhere, how others perceived us was beginning to mean a whole lot more than it ever had before.

Lately, probably because my husband's birthday falls just a few days after mine, we've been grousing a lot about being "nearly 40 and still driving crap cars"--even if they are payment free, paid off crap cars.

It's not that we're mortified to drive them, though we've had a few of those over the years, too.

Like the one we brought our oldest son home from the hospital in. It was used when we bought it, but was very dependable and lasted us for several years. However, towards the end of it's tenure with us, we took to calling it The Blue-Bomber. When you turned the key in that thing, it sounded like a helicopter had roared to life, complete with the rumble effect and the loud noise inside the car that was so deafening, your ears would ring.

And it backfired at random times, like when our son exited the car and was walking up the curb to the gate at school.

Now, that was embarrassing.

However, our current vehicles are not so outdated that nobody else is driving them. They are, oddly enough, some very desirable older model vehicles. In fact, from time to time we get notes on the windshields of those cars, "If you want to sell this vehicle, give me a call".

I suppose most of our car complaints usually crop up this time of year because it's blistering hot outside.

Our Honda is the only of our two cars with working AC, but is very small and we can't carry too much with us when we go anywhere. And it just doesn't do long trips up and down mountain passes or to far away places.

It's also been threatening to give out completely for some time, and usually has a difficult time passing smog.

Needing to spend countless hours of down time working on a broken down hunk-of-junk in the hot sun is enough to make even a calm rational soul like my husband spitting mad.

So we have to rely on our small Truck to take us to faraway locations. The truck has been with us for a while, and works great. Even in 4x4. We've taken it along on youth group outings and taken it up terrain where no truck has ever gone before. We can tow or haul as much stuff along with us as we need, but it has no AC.

My husband was able to fix the driver's side window, however, which was a real thrill. "It goes up, it goes down" became our new excited chant.

And to be able to go through a drive-through once again without having to open the door to make the transactions is nothing short of luxurious. But it is only a two-door, so our older son Jericho has to climb over the front seat to sit in the little side-facing seats in the extended cab if we go anywhere as a family.

Add to this that Judah's car seat (the only model that fit in our truck with the stick-shift) is rather bulky and wide, and is tightly wedged between us on the front seat.

As you might imagine this makes things tight, especially on long trips.

Add to this that Jeff's and my seats are also bucket seats, so our alignment gets all out of whack from sitting cockeyed for any length of time.

Squeezed so tightly into the cab of that truck, Jeff has taken to calling our arrival to church or wherever our "Pillsbury Moment", because when we open our doors, it's like what happens when you "pop" open a can of Pillsbury biscuits.

And getting seat belted in to leave is a real challenge. We are always furtively looking around to make sure the coast is clear beforehand so nobody has to see the struggle as we try to cram those biscuits back into the can.

I think the most difficult part of our car situation, however, is that occasionally we come across a problem that is beyond our expertise. Something we usually can't afford to get fixed at a garage, and so it becomes something that we need to ask for help with (from our friends with mechanical know-how). Which just contributes to this feeling that people probably look down on us for living as we do. "Oh, no--Jeff and Becky need help with their car again. Hide, honey...get down! They'll see us and want our help again on their decrepit cars."

And it's moments like those, when you feel like hauling off and kicking those cars for all the frustration they cause you.

And then afterward, it's hard not to look around with envy at all the people our ages and younger, living in sprawling homes and towing gleaming speedboats to the river behind brand new trucks and SUV's.

We've often questioned, "How do they do that?" or "How can they possibly afford that?" Granted, many are two-income households, and I'm guessing there probably also a lot of folks up to their eyeballs in debt, perhaps even on the verge of losing their homes, because the interest-only payment plans that got them into said homes are getting to the point where they will have to begin paying on the capital.

No doubt there are also some that are on the verge of losing their marriages, too, because of the pressure and strain caused by financial debt.

And let us not forget that old resentment that some of those folks probably got a much better financial start than we did. Either by making wiser financial decisions, or coming from homes where their folks paid for their educations or helped them buy their first homes or cars.

We admittedly made some dumb financial decisions as newlyweds. We already had lots of combined student loan debt, but began racking up credit card debt because we grew impatient and tired of living at the poverty line. We bought furniture and The Blue Bomber during that time. We've long since learned our lesson, having closed all those accounts and have been diligently striving to pay everything off.

Digging out from under those poor decisions early in our marriage is taking a long time, and because we feel so far behind having had to pay off money we borrowed against our future, we find ourselves lapsing into impatience and discontent from time to time.

Our standard of living has improved somewhat since our days as newlywed college kids, but it's still hard when young marrieds are taking exotic vacations, buying new vehicles, moving into bigger homes and investing for their futures while we feel surpassed, and even a little like failures.

If car troubles and the financial issue were all we were concerned with, that would be one thing. But often, that feeling of not having much to show for all our hard work extends to another painful area as well--namely when it hurts our 'pride'. We both have college educations. My husband even has a Master's Degree. And Jeff works very hard to provide for us. But it seems that we are most often judged by our material gains. How much stuff we have.

For me, I guess I get really tired of feeling like others in our life don't respect the route we've chosen to take as a Christian, single-income, stay-at-home-mom type of household.

If we felt so inclined, we could easily join the ranks of two-income, garage-full-of-toys households. But long ago when our precious little firstborn son came into the world, we just couldn't bear the thought of him not growing up with one of us home to care for him from day to day. It was decided then that I would be a SAHM.

Have we ever thought about my going back to work? Sure. But always, it comes back down to our convictions, and our children's ultimate spiritual welfare, and that idea promptly gets tossed out.

Back in the 1950's, the vast majority of children had a SAHM, and it was the expected thing for them to do. Society even approved.

Since feminism and equal rights muddied the collective reasoning of our society and there was this lemming-rush to the workplace, it's become sort of looked down upon for a woman to stay home with her children. Christian folks that took this route themselves have even been known to back away from their original stance.

Sometimes we feel looked down upon and treated as poor folks just because we've chosen this route instead of the one with all the material trappings. "You know, they do just have the one income."

Even worse is when people say things that insinuate that because they had x amount of children, it was worth it for them to stay home, but not so for me because we have only 2. Which is utterly absurd. Before little brother came along, it was just one child at home, and he was just as much 'worth' the beneficial upbringing by his own mother as children from larger families are.

So there I was, bawling my eyes out, and beginning to feel real low about the course my life had taken.

That same serpent that enticed Eve in the garden was there whispering in my ear, trying to 'open my eyes' to all that I was 'missing out' on by trying to cast doubt on our convictions and the decisions we'd made in faith years ago. "Did God really say..." I could almost hear him hiss.

And there in the midst of my pre-birthday melancholy, suddenly I thought, "Why should I even care what other people think of me?" It's what God thinks of me that really counts.

Who is it that I am striving to please, anyway? God or man?

Here was the enemy of my soul, trying to cast doubt on all the decisions we'd made in faith. Why? Because without faith, it's impossible to please God. If he could entice me away, I'd be living a life displeasing to God.

What did he have to gain? Another God-honoring family, falling by the wayside, bowing to the gods of money and greed instead of the God of the Universe.

And our Amazing Heavenly Father is the One that rewards those who seek Him. Who trust Him and His will and ways in our lives. He is the one we are striving to please.

So what if the books I've been laboring on these many years have yet to be published, and so I currently have little to show outwardly for my years worth of efforts? So what if things didn't turn out as we expected, because God pointed us in a direction that lowered our income instead of raised it? So what if others have joined the work force, and I am now one of the few SAHM's I know? So what if we don't have the latest car on the market or the more exotic vacations?

Suddenly my perspective had changed completely.

Our life can be a real struggle at times, but whose isn't? We may not have all the 'things' and 'toys' that other people have, but it's not because we're poor or inferior to others.

It's a matter of priorities, and about serving God rather than money. It's about tithing instead of driving new, luxury cars. About helping missions endeavors instead of getting manicures and fancy salon cuts. It's about dressing in sensible, inexpensive clothes that fit our lifestyle, instead of trying to look like celebrities.

We are by no means poor! All our bills are paid each month on time with money to spare. Our children never want for clothing or any other need. We always have good healthy food to eat, and occasionally even enjoy dinners out. We're blessed with excellent health. We have a comfortable, happy home life, and well-adjusted kids that are growing up with a love for Jesus. What's to trade-off? What's to sacrifice? We're blessed people! We're rich compared to the vast majority of people in our world!

I realize there are some cases where it is necessary for one reason or another for both husband and wife to work. I'm not trying to slam these folks. In fact, many are to be congratulated. I know of couples that work very hard at still doing all those things that in most families could only be accomplished by a full-time SAHM, and are able to juggle it all with great success, some even working opposite shifts to manage it.

In our home, however, we still firmly believe the Lord wants me home full-time with our boys. It's a decision we made in faith years ago, and we feel it is in the best interest of the spiritual health of our family. For us, this supercedes our financial wants, and we're blessed to currently have all of our needs met from month to month to allow this.

But besides being there for my husband and boys, my being home has allowed us to be in the position to be available to help others. To have the time to research things to improve our standard of living and the quality of our lives on many levels.

Even above and beyond that, it's freed us up in many ways to be able to devote ourselves to prayer, seeking after God, and pursuing many forms of ministry and service to the Lord as a family. It's allowed me plenty of time to pursue my dream of becoming a published author, and to invest in and maintain friendships and keep in touch with lots of people dear to me.

In spite of my age and the lack of material success in my life, I do believe that the things I've done with my life have counted for something in the sight of the Lord. He sees and knows the motive of my heart. Sees the sacrifices of time, talent and treasure that we make as a family. The lives affected in positive ways through us. And ultimately, He is the one who rewards us.

We will not be put to shame. We can trust that He will do what He has said He will do.

I guess I'm no longer feeling melancholy about turning 36. In fact, I feel inspired to continue on, striving for fabulous in my Walk with the Lord...hoping to spend the next 50 or 60 years accomplishing just that.