The Woop-de-doos of Life

There is a dirt road not far from our home that our older son refers to as "the fun road" home. The main reason being that there is a huge dip in the road that when taken at just the right speed can have the same effect on the stomach as a good hill does on a roller-coaster. Jericho, who is 11, absolutely loves this road, loves the anticipation of getting near that hill, and giggles in glee when we glide down it and our stomachs go all topsy-turvy. Our toddler is usually not paying attention to the terrain, and so it doesn't affect him until he feels that tilt downward at the infamous dip and immediately braces his little arms on the edges of his car seat, his eyes widening in wonder for the duration, not sure what to make of the experience.

That road is a little bit out of the way on our usual treks to and from our home and so I don't take it very often, and in fact, my son informs me that daddy takes it much faster than I do. I am admittedly more cautious about things than he is speed wise, easing up (instead of speeding up) a bit before that big hill because I dislike that blind moment when the car leaves the upper road, tipping suddenly to descend down that woop-de-doo and the road disappears from the front window for a couple of moments. My concerns are always mom types of concerns. What if a dog were to dash out in front of me? Or a child on a bike? Or what if we were to lose control of the car all of a sudden? My husband doesn't seem to worry at all, and in fact makes a real adventure out of it, even taking our sons friends over that road when they go to pick them up for play days. But somehow, when we're all in the car together, I usually find it tolerable, especially when Jeff is at the wheel. I can close my eyes if the feeling of falling gets to be too much for me.

What I find interesting about this illustration is that several people can be on the exact same road together, experiencing the exact same things collectively, and yet are all affected in entirely different ways. Each person comes from a different set of circumstances that can affect how they will handle the experience. Some may find the experience terrifying, some may find it a thrill. Some may find it tolerable, and some may dread it. Some are largely unaffected. And when it's all over, each person will come out of it with their own unique perspective.

When I was a teenager, my parents went through a painful divorce. My three siblings and I lived under the same roof and went through everything together, experienced many of the same emotions, and although we have this common bond of having been through the events all at one time, we all came out of that situation with entirely different perspectives, were affected in different ways resulting in different sets of hurts that would take years to heal. I believe there were several reasons for this. First, we were all different ages with different things going on in our lives. We each had different sets of needs because of being at different ages and stages in our individual walks with the Lord. We also each had unique ways of handling what we were going through. Different support systems in place. Some handled different portions of that ordeal better than others, and the healing process has seemingly taken longer for some than for others. I am happy to say that now, finally (21 years later) I think most of us have finally reached the point where we've almost all come out on the other side of things victoriously (thanks to the Lord's work in each of our lives), having forgiven and moved on.

My sister's recent wedding sort of cemented this for me. Our parent's were once again in the same place again at the same time (though with a stepfather and a half-sister there) and everything was just fine. It was like there were no longer any hard feelings. I was absolutely amazed at how it all went. While my parents probably still felt some residual awkwardness, it was great to finally be at that place again after all these many years, where we were all on good terms, and had picked up and moved forward, not continually 'beating the dead horses' of old resentments and bitterness. Those things are gone, now.

On the long drive home from that wedding while the kids were sleeping in the back seat, I spent time contemplating all of this. While my parents (both of which have long since remarried), will never again be in the same car (as in married, or being 'one'), being Christians, we're all at least in cars heading the same direction. And for that I am deeply thankful to the Lord. I well remember (and this is entirely different from dredging up or dwelling on the bad things in the past) the early years before and after the divorce, when the tension and strife were so bad it didn't seem like there would every be any 'other side' of that storm in our collective family life. God truly worked a miracle there, and has been actively working to restore the years the locusts had eaten and bring beauty from ashes.

The woop-de-doo road I mentioned earlier is also a good illustration for Marriage. There are enough variables to make life pretty interesting at times even when a couple is in one accord and 'on the same road' together in life as one. While the husband and wife might view the highs and lows of that road through entirely different glasses, by virtue of being on the same road together, they can help each other to better handle those woop-de-doos that come up from time to time. Sometimes, one spouse can give the other a helpful or encouraging word, or a needed pep-talk to help them to face some upcoming dip in the road that they might be worried or fearful about (medical tests, dental appointments, relational issues with others, job interviews, etc.), or by injecting a little levity or fun into a rather dull stretch of road when necessary. Sometimes it's necessary to just get seatbelted into the car and go, even when you really don't feel like the trip. When the couple is together on that road of life, in one accord (and I don't necessarily mean a Honda, though that may apply to some...) with good communication and the Lord leading them, they can usually handle just about anything that comes their way, keeping the vehicle pointed in the right direction for marital harmony.

But if one person were to suddenly go off maverick-style and begin making decisions on their own without their spouse's knowledge, or against the spouses better judgement, they are no longer in one accord. It's like they are suddenly in two different cars, choosing their own routes on the road.

If, for instance, the husband went out and bought a new boat or spent the entire tax return on an expensive stereo system instead of applying it to their joint debt as previously agreed upon, it's rather like that husband stepped out of accord with his wife, got into his own car, and was now doing his own thing. This works against their team, and is a very costly way of life. Taking two cars and trying to find their own way home is a waste of gas and wear and tear on the vehicles. It becomes more difficult to communicate between them, and to come to mutual agreements on important matters, because you aren't in one accord any longer. Communication suffers. Feelings are deeply hurt. Trust is broken. The marriage is vulnerable to fracture.

For a while, the maverick spouse might feel like everything is smooth sailing. But eventually, they will have to climb back up some very big hills to get back to where they should be. If they do so at all. Often, these maverick decisions get a couple so far from home that finding their way back to where they are supposed to be is almost insurmountable (though the Lord can guide them back if both are willing).

Sometimes, the maverick spouse may do something so contrary that they not only step out of the vehicle, but take off in a totally different direction than they should. Some never return home at all. As in the case of marital infidelity. In such cases, all are adversely affected. When a husband or wife 'bails' from a marriage, they are, in effect, leaving the car without a driver having 'handicapped' their spouse, leaving the spouse (and any children) on a very treacherous road. The children and remaining spouse are suddenly subject to all kinds of danger and evil because the maverick spouse made poor decisions. (There are also occasions where one spouse may be forced to make the difficult decision to step out of accord with a spouse that has taken they or their children down a perilous road that is wrought with danger, as in cases of abuse.)

Some maverick decisions so break faith with their spouse (leaving the remaining spouse and the children feeling betrayed, abandoned, forsaken, cut loose or set adrift with no real anchor in life). This is particularly true when a husband or wife becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol, cheats on their spouse, abandons their family by walking away from responsibility, or commits suicide. It is the utmost in selfishness, for a spouse or parent to take the 'easy' way out. Because it's really not really a way out, though it may seem easy for a time. It leaves everyone else that was in your 'car' with you (spouse and children) to pick up the pieces in the aftermath. It's like a car wreck, really, with the injuries sustained requiring hospitalization, and perhaps even intensive care for some.

But it's also like leaving one's family in a broken-down car on the side of the road in a dangerous part of town to fend for themselves. Their family is left wide open to the dangers of those that would come along with intent to harm or take advantage of them in their vulnerability. It leaves the remaining spouse with a burden of responsibility that should never have to be borne alone. It often causes those left behind to become distrusting of others, and to lose hope of ever finding true or lasting love. It can disillusion some to the point where they question their faith. Many of those left behind will feel lasting resentment against the spouse or parent that abandoned them. Some will withdraw or rebel. It then becomes a battle to survive on that road of life, often with the remaining parent feeling like they have to beg their children to get back in the car. Many also have a hard time trusting in the Lord after a set-back like this in their lives.

Thankfully, the Lord can be like a Police Officer responding when we call to Him for help. He swoops in to assist, bringing paremedics if need be, and assists in getting folks safely back on the road again, then goes the distance with us from then on. We're not always removed from the danger completely, but can be assured that He is there to get us through it, and to lead us through that bad area, up and down the hills, to a better place.

I suppose, as with any illustration not found in scripture, this one has holes. But the thought behind it all is that we do need to stay in one accord with our spouses, working together to navigate over the woop-de-doos that crop up in our lives. We also have to be careful not to let the children get out of control while we're on the road, or become such a focus that our eyes aren't on the road ahead.

Sometimes the children might even try and commandeer the driver's seat, assuming control, and that can be especially dangerous. They are like brand new drivers, need instruction and training, and to know what is expected of them both by you (and the Lord, our ultimate Authority) and the law. Eventually, they will see for themselves the value of being on the right road. They'll begin to obey, and when the time is right, will learn to drive responsibly on their own, capable of handling the woop-de-doos of life. Eventually, they will get out of your car, because they will have their own, caravanning along on that same road to our much greater destination.