Mama Got Skillz

At nearly any job a person accepts, one aquires a certain proficiency and a number of work related skills that are sharpened and honed to expert level. What I refer to as skillz.

Being really good at something that you do.

During college, I worked in a grocery store as a cashier. I had to memorize a ton of four digit codes for produce items, some of which were seasonal items not always kept in stock in our store.

I suspect that my knack for produce identification stemmed from spending hours poring through my mom's seed catalogs and gardening books as a kid. Neighboring cashiers would hold up a strange looking fruit or vegetable and I could immediately call out the name then number for it.

At that job, I also became adept at feeling the 'weight' of things I'd put on the scale which was directly in front of me. I played a little game with myself, and would, before placing the item on the scale, guess the weight of items in their numerical counterpart and often hit it right on the head, or within a tenth of an ounce. It got to where I was good enough at it that I might even let my regular customers in on my little game and 'guess' for them how much their bananas or apples weighed. They were usually quite impressed when the scale registered the same number I'd given.

Another little game I'd play at that grocery store was to add the approximate prices of the items up in my head (without looking at the monitor screen) as I scanned them through, and see how close I could come to the total. I nearly always came within 5 dollars of the total, which I think was pretty good considering coupons were often added to the mix. Skillz.

Later, when working as a school picture photographer, I aquired a whole new set of skills which served me quite well in that job. Having become familiar with different forms of lighting in previous photography classes, I was able to place the lights in their exact positions for first-time calibration with my camera equipment, which usually meant that I was first to be set up and taking photos.

Then, because I'd learned to multi-task quite well during college, I was able to take each student's order envelope, and simultaneously enter the numbers on the keypad while getting them situated for their photos, all while keeping a friendly, ongoing chatty discourse with the students which enabled them to sit down, sit straight and smile so I could take their picture. With elementary kiddos, this also included hair touch-ups using the disposable black combs our company provided us with.

I became very proficient at this, and was commended for my error-free work, and for getting larger numbers of students through my line that most of the rest of the folks on my teams. That season I even managed to bring in a company record at a large high school...624 shots in one day...all of which were sale-worthy shots that didn't require retakes due to errors on my part. While pregnant (and morning sick) and while slogging through the mental fog of sleep deprivation due to getting up at 3:30 am to arrive at these far northern schools so as to be set up by 7 am. Skillz.

By far, my stint as SAHM and Homemaker has been my longest-running job. Going on 13 years here in June.

In that time, I've aquired a number of skills that I attribute to the monotonous repetitive action honing process that occurs when a person does something day after day and gets really, really good at it.

For instance, I've learned to judge the exact size of rectangular storage dish I'll need for all the leftovers in the bottom of an oval or round crockpot.

I can also tell by the weight of the juice left in the carton how much to pour into three sippy cups (for Judah and my two babysitting charges) with a single pour into each, and without needing to top others off to even them out. Skillz.

Wrapping gifts is another area of expertise. I can usually look at a box or an item, and determine exactly how much wrapping paper to cut off with the smallest margin of waste. Ribbon, too. Skillz.

When putting my kids toys away, I have aquired the ability to be able to gently kick a toy across the smooth laminate floor of our hallway, and with pool-shark precision, richochet it off the opposite wall and into their bedroom doors. This saves a lot of steps, especially when balancing an armload of laundry bound for that same bedroom. I'm the Mia Hamm of my household. Skillz, I tell you. Skillz.

For years, our oldest son thought I had eyes on the back of my head, because I developed the keen sense for being able to tell exactly what he was doing just by the sounds I heard and the projected intention of his little kid mind (which incidentally processed things a lot like my own). "Don't even THINK about throwing the paper out the window, young man...that's littering." "How did you know?" he'd ask in amazement. Drawing from his favorite movie, Toy Story I said with a passable imitation, "We mom's know ev-ery-thing" (except instead of inserting Sid, I'd insert Jericho). Skillz.

Sometimes, while driving along with a carload that often included two nephew's and a niece, I needed to employ the use of rearview mirrors to help in that, but still managed to amaze them all with my ability to discern and nip in the bud behaviors that were about to go south. Skillz.

There is another skill which I have recently honed and sharpened to the enth degree, because I've been babysitting a one year old, and change a lot of diapers in a day.

That would be my ability to toss diapers of varying weight into the nearest garbage can and 99% of the time 'make a basket' (that remaining 1%? The times the can flips over because it was empty and couldn't hold the weight).

Sometimes I even switch it up and do an over the shoulder or curveball toss. I am the Kobe Bryant of my household, people! I should be making millions!

Though these are all marketable skills in their own right, they don't exactly translate well on a resume. I can just see it now..."'Throws diapers into garbage cans with proficiency' and 'wraps gifts well', huh? How would you feel about a job in recycling? Or perhaps garbage sorting is more your thing? We also have some positions open in housekeeping and hotel laundry services..." To which I reply, "Hmmph." I could manage a hotel AND be the concierge!

My options are considerably narrower now than ever before (my cashiering and photography skills having dissipated due to lack of use). While I can make baskets with proficiency, I must admit that I have a couple of problems that would prevent me from being an asset to the WNBA. 'Inadequate cardiovascular exercize' and 'blog butt' being the main ones. Well, that and being very scared of the flying limbs of other players (those gals are buff!). Did I mention the mortification I'd feel if knocked on my bum before television cameras and spectators?

So for now, my family members are the full recipients of all these well-honed skillz.

What I lack in monetary payouts are more than made up for in kisses and hugs.

So, until the day there is a division of the Olympics dedicated to SAHM's exhibiting their well-honed skillz, my dreams of grandeur are limited to the silent victory stance when I make a bank shot off the kitchen wall with a cluttery counter completely blocking my view...and hear the familiar satisfying thud of the diaper sinking into the can.

Even if nobody else ever sees it, this mama got skillz.