My Cheesy Ant Rant (with Haiku)

I realize that I am typing this post at the risk of the entire blogosphere thinking my housekeeping must leave something to be desired, considering I've already done a posting about the cricket in my kitchen, LOL. I'll just mention here that I live with two boys and a husband, and leave it at that. Nevertheless, the blog-topic cupboard was also rather bare today, and seeing as I seem to be waging an ongoing war with ants, the following is my cheesy Ant Rant (yes, again with the haiku...because nothing quite expresses anything like a good haiku!).
But nobody is forcing you to read this, so if you so desire, you may stop here. Or here. Or here or here or here. Do not read any further if you already feel a yawn coming on! Nobody is forcing you to read the following, mindless drivel.

Bugs make me shudder.
Especially many ants
crawling through my house!

I have suffered from a plague all summer long. Armies of sugar ants marching around the perimeter of my kitchen to hang out under the kitchen sink in the garbage can. The same garbage can that gets emptied more than once a day, I might add.

Why in my kitchen? Under my sink?

I just don't get it! There is a virtual ant smorgasbord outside in the big garbage can where we take all the trashbags, yet they still prefer swarming inside and to the kitchen garbage for the one crust of an egg salad sandwich that was put in it after the trash was taken out earlier! And they never come alone. Nope, these babies come in droves.

Why, exactly, are they called sugar ants? They certainly aren't sweet. Well, maybe they are, but I've never tasted them to know for sure. I always just assumed they were after sweet stuff, hence the name. But at the end of August when I made a wedding cake, I had powdered sugar all over the kitchen...but were they interested in all that sugar? Not in the least. They've also been known to bypass all sorts of sweet morsels that Judah has thrown from his high chair. What is it that they are after?

I simply must know
Why not sugar, sugar ant?
What did you come for?

And where do they go? Straight for the kitchen garbage can every time!

Once, they came for the handful of potato chip crumbs they found inside that garbage can. And then there was a separate band of ants headed the opposite direction from whence they came, returning victors, bringing back the spoils to their colony, which I believe is nestled down below the concrete of my back patio, accessed via the beauty bark covered soil of the flowerbed.

You hide so secure
don't you, tiny little ants?
Soon, I will get you!

When I first saw their little ant army, marching as to war through my kitchen...I pulled out the Windex...because you know, Windex is good for everything. I sprayed them until they were surrounded by liquid, then looked away so I wouldn't have to watch them perish. It was like a minature natural disaster, puddles of blue windex filled with ant carnage.

Just when I was sure they had to be dead, I saw brave warrior ants, wading into the puddles and removing their dead and gravely wounded, carrying them back to the colony. I will give them that much...they are meticulous.

Tiny medic ants
take fallen comrades home. No
soldier left behind

A couple of days ago, I cooked plain chicken breasts in the crock pot. When they were done, I took them out and put them into a covered dish which I put in the fridge. I poured out the water in the crock, leaving it in the sink to cool, then spent a few minutes reorganizing my refrigerator and emptying out the dishwasher. When I turned around to fill the dishwasher, the inside of the white crock in the sink was covered with ants. Undulating might be a better word, tiny black speckles moving all over the surface, my granite countertops having provided perfect camoflauge for their covert operations.

And it's not just me having this problem. Several ladies at church were recently bemoaning the fact that the only product that had worked to kill them is no longer sold to the general public. Now you have to hire a pest control outfit to come in and spray excessive quantities around your house if you're to ever be rid of them.

Ahhh, Chemicals. If there is anything I dislike almost as much as the bugs...it's the harsh chemicals they have to use to kill them being poured into the environment in large quantitites. Aside from the pollution, I have extrememly sensitive skin, and I have athsma, and it doesn't take much to make me miserable. Contact dermatitis is commonplace.

Needless to say, I don't do well with chemicals. Or fumes. But I have yet to find a successful 'green' method of ridding myself of the ant problem. The Tabasco/cinnamon/garlic spray that I read that was supposed to get rid of them? I think that may be what drew them back to begin with. Well, now that I think about it, it might have been the honey nut cheerios Judah had spilled nearby. Nevertheless, I sprayed the Tabasco mixture near where I very first saw them coming in. But I'm pretty sure those scouts went back and told all their comrades, "There are giants in the land, but the place is flowing with milk and honey!" And thus began the ant stampede.

We probably have a worse than usual problem because our entire backyard is a concrete patio (except for the flowerbed around the perimeter where the dog, Raisin, does her business). It wasn't my favorite feature, but the house came that way, and it looked nice when we first saw it. We've grown to appreciate that the concrete is easy to maintain, nice for entertaining, and keeps Raisin's nails filed short so I don't have to do the horrible task of clipping them. *cringes* But I do miss having grass. In our old house, it seemed to act as a natural barrier to ants. Here, the concrete acts as a perfect place for them to come up for food and then retreat to their secluded little colony hidden down below where we can't get at them. An ant autobahn, getting them to and from our kitchen more quickly.

Did you know that there is even a scripture in the book of Proverbs about ants? "Go to the ant you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest."

Which is precisely what they are doing in my kitchen. Storing up their provisions. Gathering their food at harvest. Grrrr.

Personally I think those ants feel vindicated, having their very own Scripture in the Bible. And now I'm not so sure those are potato chips they are carrying when they leave the kitchen. I think if a person were to get down there with a magnifying glass, they'd see they were tiny little picket signs reading, "Proverbs 6:6-8" and others, "Go to the ant you sluggard!", "Consider our ways and be wise!" and "Read about us in the Bible!"

Smug little creatures. I'm about ready to cave in and call Orkin.